


weep, little lion man

by ASCELLAS



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 23:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8554057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASCELLAS/pseuds/ASCELLAS
Summary: Do you really think a monster like you could be a Voltron paladin?
Monster.
Monster.
Monster.





	

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd. this is a massive vent piece and also i've put a lot of my own experiences in the fic.  
> i also think it's a crime there's not enough fics of shiro just exhibiting his mental illnesses so.

_We're connected, you and me._

_Both part of the Galra Empire._

_You've been broken and reformed. Just look at your hand._

_It's the strongest part of you._

_Embrace it._

_The others don't know what you know. They don't know what you've seen_

_Face it._

_You'll never beat Zarkon. He's already defeated you._

_Do you really think a **monster** like you could be a Voltron paladin?_

Monster.

Monster.

**Monster.**

It had been hours since the interaction had taken place, and Shiro couldn't shake the words from his head. It make his stomach churn with anxiety and nausea. The realization of Sendak's words made him want to die. Where was the lie? The words that had come from the Galra was nothing but truth. Who was Shiro to deny his words?

A monster was all he was. A monster who took people's lives. A monster who continued mindless bloodshed. A monster who left their crew behind. Shiro knew all of this. He had done every single one of those things. There was flashes of his opponents begging for their lives in front of him. Shiro ended their life with a quick slit to the throat. He continued to kill to save his life, but was it worth it while the ghosts of those he killed haunted him? Shiro left Matt and Dr. Holt to fend for themselves against the Galra. A monster does those things he did.

It hurt. The truth was painful. That's how Shiro knew the words were true. The truth made him sick. It was a joke that Shiro was destined to be a legendary defender. A murderer didn't deserve to save the world. Who was he to save people when he slaughtered so many others to get here? A defender would have done everything in their power to save the lives of the innocents who fought in the arena. Shiro did not.

He thought of nothing but himself, and that made him sick.

Shiro stumbled his way back to his room, trying to stave off the feelings of self hatred. His mind working to make sure he knew what a worthless piece of shit he was. Shiro made it inside before immediately collapsing onto the floor. The air seemed thin as he struggled to get enough breaths in. The tears prickled at the corner of his eyes while he grabbed his hair.

"Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop." He muttered over and over, trying to focus on evening out his breathing.

_'Nothing. That's all you are. A big fucking joke. Sendak was right. Someone like you could never be a paladin. You don't deserve to live when others have died because of you. What kind of person can't even save their own crew members? If you couldn't save the Holts, what makes you think you can protect the other paladins? You're nothing but a selfish coward.'_ His mind told him.

Shiro let out a choked sob as his hands went to repeatedly hit against his thighs in effort to calm down.

_'You're fucking worthless. No one needs you. Who wants a broken leader? Who wants someone who can't control their panic attacks? You're irresponsible. No one wants to deal with a fucked up mess like you. You're replaceable.'_

Shiro could feel the ache in chest getting worse. The pain started to grow unbearable. He wanted to claw his skin off. It's not like it's the first time he's done it. Shiro pushed the sleeves up on flesh arm, tracing the self inflicted scars he already had. He kept repeating in his mind, what's one more?

_'You're already disgusting covered in all these scars. Just give yourself more and add to the repulsion you feel. Drive everyone away with it because that's what you're good at. Pushing people away when you need them. It's a good thing Keith doesn't want your revolting ass. No one wants to deal with baggage, and that's all you are know. Disposable baggage. You're funny to think Keith could ever love you now.'_

The suffocation became intolerable as the sobs freely came from Shiro. His mind was right. It was **always** right. Shiro deserved to be dead. He knew he should have taken the spot of those he killed. His thoughts wanted him dead, and Shiro could at least agree on that for once. No one deserved to put up with him. He was a liability to the team. Another trigger could be life and death. The team didn't need him. Shiro would endanger their lives and ruin them just like he did with everything else he touched.

_'You piece of shit. Constantly destroying everything around you. You're nothing but pathetic garbage. The scum of the universe. Everyone would agree. The team is only being nice to because they're stuck with you. First opportunity they get, they'll dumb your miserable ass.'_

Shiro didn't hear the whir of his arm coming to life until the glow of it caught his eyes. Blinking some tears away, Shiro wondered what the arm could do to him. God knows Shiro deserved whatever pain he could get from it. Fiddling with a few of the controls on the arm, he managed to get the arm to heat up. Enough to burn. Shiro looked at his exposed forearm before slapping down the heated hand on it. He let out a hiss at the initial contact until succumbing to the pleasant burn. Shiro let his hand sit there for a few moments before pulling it off his arm. The feeling of relief washed over him once looking at the harsh burn he gave himself. The itch wasn't sated until he had repeated the process a few times over his wrists. Shiro turned the arm off before inspecting some of the skin that started to bubble. The temporary relief was soon washed out with guilt as the feelings of anxiety seeped into his body.

More heavy sobs left his throat while his body trembled with each cry. Shiro could feel the physical ache in his chest at the pain he put himself through. But he deserved it. Shiro didn't doubt for one minute that he deserved every ounce of physical and mental pain. This was what monsters get. This is what they deserve.

It took Shiro a few minutes to registering the incessant banging on his door. He was able to at least calm down for a moment, enough for the sobs to stop. The thought of facing one of the paladins in this state made him ill. No one should have to see their leader being so weak. The team deserved better from him.

"Shiro! For the love of God, please open the door!" Keith called out as he continued to bang the door.

Shiro froze up once hearing it was Keith. Oh God. This was even worse than if it was Pidge or Hunk. He scooted on the floor to back up from the door. Shiro knew Keith wouldn't take no for an answer. Especially if he heard part of his outburst earlier. Shiro didn't want to face him while he was like this. There's nothing more pitiful than having your boyfriend walk in during a panic attack. Not getting off the floor, Shiro was able to open the door for Keith before he came rushing in.

Keith saw him on the floor and panic instantly took over his mind. He knelt down beside him, gently cradling his face in his hands. Keith wiped away a few stray tears from his face, trying not to let his heart hurt over Shiro's expression. He pulled him closer to his chest, letting Shiro lay against him. Keith noted the self inflicted burns on his arm but knew better than to bring it up.

"What happened?" He asked softly.

"I'm a monster." Shiro replied, laying his head against Keith's chest, "I was stupid to think I could ever be a paladin. I've done awful things, and I'm not worthy to fight for people. I'm a disgusting mess who can't even keep his team safe."

"That's not true." Keith muttered.

Shiro ended up fully seated in Keith's lap. His head rested against the crook of his neck while both hands clenched the front of Keith's shirt. Keith wrapped one arm around Shiro while the other gently ran through his hair. Shiro could feel the tears well back up, as another wave of emotion threatened to overtake him.

"Look at me, I can't even function like a normal human being." He said into his neck, "This is shameful."

"There's nothing shameful about you. Takashi, you have been through hell. I'm so proud of you for the things you've managed to overcome. You're sick, and that's okay. You're healing. None of us expect you to be on your feet 24/7. Sometimes you have to let everything out. That's okay too." Keith told him, pressing his lips to the top of his head.

"But you guys have the right to have someone who can actually lead you." Shiro stated.

"If we didn't think you could be our leader, we would have said something at the start. I promise we think that you are enough for us. I know its hard to think so, but I don't want you to doubt how much we trust and respect you. But it's fine if it takes time for you too acknowledge it. We'll still follow you." Keith told him.

Maybe that was enough for now. Keith's simple words help ease the overwhelming guilt in Shiro. The negative feelings still lingered in the back of his mind. But maybe now, he could get through the rest of the day.

"I'm sorry." Shiro said quietly.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." Keith replied, "I love you, Takashi."

"I love you too." He whispered.


End file.
